"Get up you sonofabitch, because Mickey loves ya!"

Today's post is about resilience.  A topic near and dear to my heart.  My family has been through a lot, more than I think others realize.  But here we stand.  In my depths of despair and misery I could have given up and let go, but I chose to keep going with my head held high.  It was not easy and I could not have done it without the help of many people surrounding us with love and support.  And for that I am thankful.  Thankful that we have this extra family around.  The Army Family.  Family that I have experienced great loss and great joy with.  How can you be so thankful to this family and yet hate it so much at the same time?  Ok I don't hate my Army family, I just hate the Army right now.  I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, But I do. I hate it.  Since moving to Fort Campbell I have seen a decline in Soldier support and care.  Most of the leaders are more concerned about looking the part then actually taking the time to care for their soldiers.  And that disgusts me.  In my silly warped civilian mind I assumed that leaders are to look out for and care for their subordinates?  Well guess what?  I haven't seen that happen in about 4 years and it's sad.  Now don't get me wrong, there are some great leaders out there and that have crossed our paths, but the majority will smile at your face had hug you while they stick a knife right in your back.  Disgusting!!! Why? Why is this happening?  Is it jealousy?  Is it because you need to feel superior?  I have no idea but it's sad.  I believe in Karma, and if you have an ugly heart ugly things will catch up to you.  In the same instance if you continue to do good, good things will come. So that is why I am not worried about me or my family.  We are good, we have good hearts.  Yes we may struggle but eventually we will be ok.  and that my friends is resilience.  pushing through, knowing and believing the outcome will be victorious.  I just hope others in our situation have the same outlook, yes you've been beaten down, yes you may be at the edge of a cliff or your back to a wall, but keep your head up and know that things will work out and be fine.
My husband got called into the Garrison Commanders office and notified he will be going through the QMP board in February.  All because of 1 piece of paper.  one. Nevermind the past 15 years and the many soldiers hes mentored and helped because he cares for his Soldiers.  Always has.  But unfortunately for him he is not a "yes" man and that ruffled some feathers.  Sad. So by this time next year we could be out of the Army and trying our hand in the civilian world, or we will still be here in Germany trying to move on from this event.  Either way we will be ok.  So onward we push with the future unclear.  But we move towards it united as a family.    

my heart and soul

today my husband wrote me a post on facebook that is the most amazing thing I have ever read.  Many of you wonder what its like to love a Soldier.... here it is. 

I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.

I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.

But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will want to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.

#6, and I shall call you squishy.

So today starts day 1 of our 6th deployment.  And I plan on kicking this one in it's teeth!  We had a rough night with the kids, but that is to be expected.  These next 9 months are going to filled with fun, shenanigans and transformations.  I plan to get healthier and spend more time in me.  Something that has been put on the back burner for many years.  But you know I'm not getting any younger so it's time.  So here's to the journey we begin today!  Wish us luck and love and prayers.  Until next time my friends. 

Kidney Doc Appointment

I decided to do a blog post b/c it's to much info for a FB status... so deal with it!  :P

Kidney Doc update:  this visit was on the fence.  Good and Bad to report.  Good!  my blood pressure is low, almost to low, so I need to monitor it and if it does not come up a little bit or I keep getting light headed I need to cut one of my pills in half.  So yay for low Blood Pressure, only took almost 20 years to get it under control but now it's almost to low, ha!  I cannot win.  Also another good is my creatinine is 1.8, down from 1.9 3 months ago.  I'LL TAKE IT!  My GFR number is still 62, so that did not get any worse, yay!  Ok onto the bad.  My potassium was high, high enough to alarm my doctor.  He gave me the serious talk, as in I need to watch my intake and not let it get any higher.  Because if it gets to high the only way to fix it will be Dialysis.  DAMMIT he used the "D" word.    So I am armed with a sheet of paper with all foods high in potassium and the knowledge that I need to get this shit in check.  BLEH.  So there you have it.  I went into this appointment with hopes of not having to go back in a year, but alas I need a 6 month check b/c of the potassium levels.  But I'm optimistic it will all work out! 

Season's Change.

I really should be used to this by now, but here I am again, sitting here wishing things didn't have to change.  In this lifestyle change is inevitable and constant.  Some good, most are bad.  I sit here thinking its been a year since the guys came back from Afghanistan and HOT DAMN alot has changed.  I miss my friends that have moved on to different Army posts, I miss our camaraderie and long for that again.  I know it will happen eventually but there was something special about these group of ladies I shared my life, and I mean WHOLE LIFE, with for almost 2 years.  I hope we cross paths again but know you ladies will always have a special place in my heart.  (note there are many missing from this pic but its the only one I could find with almost all of us)

what the what?

I get it.  our country is broke.  but i find this UNACCEPABLE.  I was informed last night in a platoon that has around 20 Soldiers there are only about 12-15 weapons.  Seriously?  Are they supposed to share?  I know this oversight will be corrected but just the shear ridiculousness of it had me rolling my eyes.  They are Soldiers, they shoot bad guys.  How can they do that with no weapon?.... sigh. 

long over due.

its's been a minute since I've blogged,  oh well, life happens.  but I have my favorite music playlist going, I am halfway done with my chores so I'm taking a break. 

things are going great here!  we have moved to a new troop, and although my responsiblities have decreased drasticly I am surprisingly ok.  I guess my need to control everything is going down, kinda, wayne has a great platoon and that is #1.  Kids are doing great, Angelo is a reading beast!  And Ariana is improving every week with her reading, I am so proud of her as she has to work so much harder than others in her class, she doesn't let it get her down. 

We will enjoy this year as much as possible because as many of you know a whole year as a complete family is few and far between when you are a Military family.